Blogging Wives make Happy Families

Yes we all know that blogging is important because it helps us vent our thoughts and feelings thus helping us at times to avoid depression and also boosts our ego and gives us self-satisfaction to see our words in print with people appreciating and commenting on them.

        But I discovered a very new dimension to blogging a few days back ,that apart from all these therapeutic functions blogging also played a very important role in preventing family dissatisfaction!!!!

  Actually what happened was that one fine night just before going to bed I 
went into the land of 'introspection'and  felt that all this blogging and google-ing  on my part was being very unfair to my family and that they deserved more of MY love and affection.

.So I decided to curtail the hours of computer--oggling that  I was unashamedly indulging in for the past so many months.

BUT can you guess my dismay when the goings on inside my house uncovered themselves or rather I discovered them !! 

Here is a glimpse of what happened that day--- I was in the kitchen making my family's favourite breakfast pouring as much love and affection I could pour and even humming my favourite song when I overheard  this conversation in hushed tones--

Father and daughters on the dining table;; 

Father--"What's the matter? how come she is in the kitchen ?

Younger daughter-"aaj computer bilkul bund hai God knows why!!      

 Hubby to me ---Whats the matter ?aaj computer pe nahi ho!!

 Me with a romantic smile -Nahi I have decided to stop blogging .

 Chorus--- "WHAAT!! WHY?

 Me more lovingly and emotionally--"I am so sorry I have neglected you people so much. Ab I must stop all this I am so ashamed of myself" 

By this time tears  had started welling  in my eyes.

 Chorus---"No no we used to love to see you so busy and happy don't stop blogging We are absolutely fine go ahead  

 All this love and affection made me more determined to stop blogging and devote more time to them .

With tears flowing I said --"that's very sweet of you people but I know you want me to be with you all and not sit at the computer".

By this time they had lost their patience and had made up their mind to come out in the open  

Daughter to me---"No mom you go ahead  we are absolutely ok without your attention in fact Papa used to say -----"and she  bit her tongue

 
Me --"what did"" Papa used to say?""  

daughter became a bit nervous 

Father came to her rescue--"I said  that with you browsing and blogging life had become very easy for me      

                                    1.None of your nagging 
                                    2.No compulsory social visits which used to raise my B. P . 
                                    3.All your useless shopping sprees have stopped
                                    4.I no longer have to yearn to use my own car its there whenever I want it ........

 When the daughters saw all this coming from their father and me listening quietly they did not want to miss  the opportunity and  quipped in 

 "Mom do you know ?? how many times  we have used your sarees? got them drycleaned and put them back in the almirah?  Hahahaha !!  your favourite blue chiffon has visited the 'raffoowala masterjee'---so many times and you haven't even noticed the damage ,nor have you realised that the blue ceramic vase has been restored to its original shape with the help of 'fevicol'

  ME  sighing---hmmmmm!

THEY---------hahaha!!!

Meeting dispersed I thought of visiting the kitchen 

.Overheard  the maid  talking to the  cook ----"Aaj kaisi chai banayee ekdum pheeki n doodh na cheeni"

    cook-----"Kya karoo aaj beeebiji computer pe kaam nahi kar rahi hai baar baar idhar aa rahi hai "

 
I come back quietly .Don't know how to react Happy or Sad.

MORAL OF THE STORY

                              ----Blogging Wives make Happy families 

                                    1 They balance the budget

                                     2 Reduce hypertension

                                      3 reduce telephone and petrol bills

                                      4 make the servants happy

                                       
        ******            *******         ********         *******      *******   

               But one thing was certain,and that was a saving grace
                Tears swelled in my eyes. and  I  me  myself embraced
               Look at it how you want ,look at it whichever way      
                    They did think of me always and every day !!                                                                                                              

why nine???

 WHY NINE ???!!

A cat has nine lives
but you have only one !!! say the roadside placards warning us to drive slow lest we lose that one life which is SO PRECIOUS .

then we have NAVRATRIS ----those sacred days of great significance ----before DUSHEHRA the KING of all festivals celebrated by ALL in this land of diversities .
  .

oh !! and another set of navratris during  RAMNAVMI ---now even Lord Ram had to be born on the 9th day .

coming to lesser mortals ---we have NAO RAS---9 rasaas of human behaviour.  --9 moods or emotions

                        shringar---(love devotion)
                         karun----(sadness depression)
                         vibhatsa--(disgust,depression,)
                         veer-----(bravery)
                         adbhut---(wonder,)
                         raudra------(anger)
                         hasya-------(sarcasm,humour)
                         shant-------(peace)
                         bhayanak---fear)-                               
Why not 5 or 10 THINK!!!
now  lets close in on the number 9 in our immedite surroundings and amongst us

No!! lets let the royalty come in first ---a king has to give his love a nau lakha haar to please her or to show    his affection for her

a queen in turn demands and settles for nothing less than a  nau lakha haar .

The Emperor Akbar had 9 gems in his court the same ones which had BIRBALand TANSEN!! .amongst them .

we are supposed to be on cloud 9 when in a euphoric state

high school begins from the 9th standard onwards

we get to eat nav ratan korma in resturants

we play a game of 9 pins

and now to top it all -- there is this story of a lady who  used to store leftovers in the fridge for 9 consecutive days and then on the 9th night treat her family to a naulakha dinner actually  naurakha dinner ---ie comprising of stored- in food of the last 9 days ---hahaha !! the naurakha was changed to naulakha because at times even guests were invited for this special treat

and here's one that I know of personally ---long long time ago an industrialist in the place where I live bought a lot of land and built mansions for his self and his family ---now exactly in this neighbourhood was a small modest bunglow which was an eyesore for the Rich man and his estate---but this guy was new to the ways of the rich so  instead of just sending in goondas and throwing his neighbour out lock stock and barrel he went to his house   one day and after exchanging pleasantries and introducing himself --which was again a very very   humble  gesture --          
               unko kaun nahi janta thhaa!!!


             woh gaye unke ghar khuda ki nemat thhi
            kabhi woh unko kabhi apne ghar ko dekh rahe thhe

anyways ---so the Rich man asked the poor man
              aap yeh ghar bechna chahtey hain toh bataaiye ?

The poor man said ---haan agar 9 lakh mil jayein toh bech doo the rich man immediately took out his cheque book and wrote a cheque for 900000 INR now why on earth did the poor man say 9 lakhs couldnt he think of any other number ??why did 9 occur to him at the spur of the moment
the mansion  built on the rubbles of the old modest house is called  NAULAKHA GHAR

so guys and gals just THINK


yeh kaisa ninyanbey ka pher ??{ ninyanbey =99 :)}                                          

A Woman of substance THE RANI OF JHANSI

would like to add here that the Rani shares her birthday with another great Lady of Indian history INDIRA GANDHI (19th november)



HER marriage in childhood
She could not have defied.
Those days were such
It had to be every woman's plight

But the Fire,the Desire,
To break open the chains,
That burned in her heart
Were not mere empty claims.

Fate willed it such that
" She", first become a queen
And then save the nation
As was Her long cherished dream .

The king was dead,
The British took over;
As was wont to their creed
And annointed her as puppet
To look after their greed.

But this is where they faltered
This is where they slipped
They hadn't realised
She had too much of a grit.

She was a woman of substance
Who had held her head high
No ruler could have ruled her
No Emperor make her cry.

She rose in rebellion,
And took up her chattels
Joined the hands of kings & nawabs
To fight the British in battles.

These Brave Patriots had Begun in 1857
The First signs Of struggle
The First War of Independence

They died their deaths they lost their life
But the torch was carried over
Which sent the rulers go in search
Of some sort of cover.
****

The spark had been ignited
That Fire had been  fanned
Which in 1947 made India

A FREE INDEPENDENT LAND

Tags:

DREAMS

                    Reels of silken thread,
                   Are woven into dreams.
                  Sometimes they bring a smile for you,
                  Sometimes they make you scream.

                  God willed that dreams be made of silk;
                  Of reels of silken thread;
                  Which He can at His will destroy
                  Or gift to us instead.

                "We come and go at your behest,
                  We dance to your tunes.
                  Oh! God let our dreams be ours
                  As  to  a  desert are sand-dunes.

                 They are our hopes and yearnings,
                 Let them with us remain.
                 O! Lord please let them be with us
                 From destroying them refrain."

                 "Let dreams be  dreams of joy
                Not nighmares which will us scare
                 We want to strive to fullfil them
                  Don't fill them with despair'"


                 "All through our lives we fight
                  The sun, the ice, the storm.
                Let  dreams  at least  please  flourish!!
                In sunlight , shade and the flowing calm.

                    LET ME BE THE CREATOR,
                    THE ACHIEVER,
                   THE DESTROYER,
                    LET ME BE THE GOD
                  IN THE DREAMS OF MY DESIRE.

ek aur vaidehi

 EK AUR VAIDEHI

Usha got down from the scooter and went straight into the house not even waiting to answer the question shot at her by her neighbour.

She knew she will have questions to answer and accusations to face --she had stayed out the whole night and had a colleague drop her home early in the morning .She had actually been stranded on her way home from the office , caught in a religious procession which had entered into a small communal skirmish and the police had clamped a curfew in that area to prevent any serious disaster.

When the curfew was lifted early next morning the police allowed them to leave in small numbers to avoid any mob fury and she in her eagerness to reach home as soon as possible had asked her colleague to drop her home on his scooter as he too took the same route .

As she entered the room her ma-in-law asked her anxiously where she had been and that they were all so worried for her safety and why didn't she ring up home ?

She was in tears as she told the old lady about the happenings of the previous evening and said that though she had tried to ring up home there was no network coverage .Mrs Sahay  her mom-in-law consoled her and said not to worry as she knew that Usha was a good girl and the whole family had full faith in her .Her sobs of relief were uncontrollable as she clutched the old lady's hands in gratitude.

But tongues went wagging and gossip began its rounds courtesy Mrs Goyal whose query was left unanswered by Usha earlier in the morning .Mrs Goyal had felt insulted and had to vent her anger by making the poor girl her target .

In the railway quarters the day was ablaze with Mrs Sahay's bahu's escapades and by the time the gossip reached the railway officers club... Usha was supposed to have sneaked out late at night to reach a local maternity home for an abortion and her boyfriend was there beside her all throughout ---and they had both been very cautious to reach her house before daybreak in order to avoid the neighbours, the family' and also her husband who was in the night shift to supervise some mechanical repairs. .

But here she could not fool the ever vigilant Mrs Goyal who had caught her red handed .

Senior Mr Sahay could not bear the sneering looks and wagging tales at the club and reached home red in the face.

"SUCHETAAA..." roared the patriarch "SUCHETA" where are you ?

"What is it why are you shouting ---whats wrong something serious ....." she was concerned .

"SOMETHING serious ??? the whole town is talking about it and you are asking me what the matter is ---is this how you look after the house and your family???"

"will you tell me something or will you go on shouting "

"This thing about our daughter-in-law staying out the whole night and returning home with a stranger!!!"

"Oh she got caught in a curfew --and that man who dropped her home is a colleague and not any stranger "

" Doesn't all this demand an explanation from her ??? couldn't she have called us up ??"

"she tried but there was no network coverage---and I would request you to stop all this .you seem to have more faith in those gossip-mongers than in your own Daughter -in-law"

"Maa I think dad is right. Usha needs to convince us or she goes out of this house I have no place for a characterless wife "

"SHOMU.... YOU are talking like this !!!Is this how I have .brought you up !!? is this the kind of ethics I have taught you ??"

"No maa I can't stay with her --she has to leave --even if she is innocent --- I can't face all those wagging tongues and sneering eyes I can't face the world whenever I go out ----I will feel people sneering sneering ,throwing looks of pity at me to have been tolerating all this .to have been unaware of all this happening behind my back since God knows when.." .
"I am only human I am not GOD to forgive her sins---WHY even Ram sent SITA away so why should I bear all this ???"

The shocked Mrs Sahay flared up and screamed --"YOU are comparing yourself to RAM .!!!RAM the Maryada purshottam !!! who was bound by duty to please his subjects to convince them-- he had to prove to them that to a KING its  HIS SUBJECTS who should matter the most and a king should be unbiased .As for his feelings for SITA he never remarried and all throughout his life he kept a statue of her's beside him as his consort .At home too he slept on the floor and denied himself all the luxuries because he knew Sita was living without them ...comparing yourself to RAM ..HAH!" she scoffed

"and please listen to me you both father and son if you are trying to act RAM and sending USHA out of the house as SITA ....yes I will call her SITA because I know she is as innocent as SITA ...then you have one more VAIDEHI I am also walking out with her I will not stay with men who don't know how to respect their women. ---I am ashamed to have been the wife of one and to have given birth to another man with such chauvenistic attitudes and who are so week as to give in to such gossip .

"Bholu..she called her younger son will you please go and call Mr and Mrs Goyal tell them its urgent"

She confronted Mrs Goyal as she entered their house
" Mrs Goyal will you please tell us the story of USHA and her boyfriend as we want to punish her and please tell us the name of the hospital where you saw her because we will need some documents before we file for divorce .."

Mrs Goyal of course was caught off guard and stammered that she had said all that just in fun she did not mean any thing bad .and that Usha was the sweetest girl ever etc etc..

Mrs Sahay rebuked her and asked her to clarify the whole thing the next day to all in the railway colony and she asked Mr Goyal to please see that USHA's tarnished image was restored to respectability and the truth told to all .

She then turned to the two men of her family and said that she was leaving together with Usha as both of them had a woman's dignity to protect and their self respect did not allow them to stay with men who were so unreliable .

That is the story of another Sita EK AUR VAIDEHI



glossary 

VAIDEHI is another name for SITA 
ps---being a story a few incidents may have been slightly exagerated--moreover I was trying to show the bad effects of gossiping ---and I may have drifted a little BUT the fact remains that none of what I have written is impossible it happens everywhere all  around "if you can believe in the cases of female infanticide and dowrydeaths ----then what I have narrated is an absolutely normal case.and the male dominated society all over the world is excercising its superiority in some manner or the other . 

poochhaa jab Ram se

 We celebrate Diwali to rejoice the return of Ram together with Sita and Lakshman from exile  we also know what followed .

Ram has faced a lot of criticism for asking Sita to leave home BUT have we ever thought of Ram's feelings  what he  actually must have gone through when he had to send  Sita  away??--
    राम की  व्यथा                        
                        
पूछा था राम से
कैसे मर्यादा पुरुष है आप?
कैसे निभाया है धर्म आपने पत्नी को दे अग्नी परीक्षा का तिरस्कार??

 हर धर्म निभाया ,न्याय किया, अर्धांगिनी को त्याग दिया?
पिता के वचनों के लिए रघुकुल की रीत निभायी
 प्राण जाये पर वचन ;न जाये कह बैठे राम रघुरायी!!!
साक्षी क्या अग्नि नहीं थे फेरो के आपके?
वचन सुरक्षा का क्या नहीं लिया था वैदेही का आपने?
पितृ वचन को निभाने चले गए थे वनवास
फिर क्यौ लिया वापस आपने त्यागा हुआ अपना राजपाट??

    
 धोभी के संदेहों को कर देते तुम शांत
 भरत को राज दे देते
सीता को महलो का वास्!!!
अबला नहीं थी ,स्वाभिमानी थी प्रियतम की आभारी थी
 धरती में जाकर समा गयी ऋण अपना सधा गयी
अग्नि ने भी शीतलता का दिया उसे आभास


प्रेयसी ,पत्नी ,माँ पुरुष को देती जीवनदान
 वाम अंग आ जाती है जब
पुरुष पूर्ण कहलाता है तब
क्या यज्ञ पूरा कर लेते बिन सिया मूरत के राम?
अधूरी नहीं पूर्णl है वो अन्नदाता की अन्न्पूर्णा है वो
कहलाती है वामा
वाम अंग को गुंजित करके बन जाती हृदय का स्पंदन
 चाहे वो रावन हो या हों रघुनन्दन
*
-----------         ------------         -----------


 पूछा जब  राम से ........

अश्रु पूरित नैनो से राजीव लोचन ने किया बखान
उस पीडा का जो बेध गयी थी
हृदय उनका छेद गयी थी
कैसे दिन उनके बीते थे राज धर्म को जीते जीते

 पूछते विधाता से वो
क्यों दिया मुझे मर्यादा पुरोषत्तम का मान ?
 क्या बीती थी उनपर
 जब लखन संग किया सिया ने था वन्प्रस्थान
हर रात कुश की शय्या पर निद्रा उनको छलती थी
हर सुबह स्वर्ण जटित थाली के भोजन का करते वो त्याग

आह !! विधाता क्यों दिया मुझे मर्यादा पुरषोत्तम का मान ??
मेरे मन् के चीत्कार को कभी समझ न पाया कोई
राजा था मैं , पुत्र था
पत्नी वियोग की पीडा को सहना ही था मेरा दुर्भाग्य
सोने की मूरत को मैंने किया था अंगीकार
सिंहासन पर वामा मेरे वोही मूरत होती थी
 मेरे रनिवास में बैठी वोही मुस्काती थी
 द्विपतनी के लिए न खोले मन ने मेरे कभी भी द्वार

प्रारब्ध मेरा कहता था
कलयुग में जाकर करना है तुमको पुरुष मर्यादा का प्रचार
इसीलिए दिया विष्णु ने तुमको रामचंद्र का यह अवतार

 सुनो प्रियजन यही है मेरे व्याकुल मन की करुण पुकार

 ***********************************

Poochha thaa Ram se

Kaise maryada purush hain aap?
                           Kaise nibhaya hai dharm aapne?
                           Patni ko diya agni pariksha ka tiraskar?

                           Har dharm nibhaya, nyay kiya
                             Ardhangni ko tyag diya?
                              Pita ke vachno ke liye
                            Raghukul ki reet nibhayee!
                           pran jaye par vachan na jaye
                           Kah baithhe Ram Raghurayee!

                              Sakshi kya agni nahi thhey
                                 Pheron ke apke?
                              Vachan suraksha ka nahi liya thha kya?
                                Vaidehi ka aapne?

                              Pitru vachan ko nibhane,
                                Chale gaye Vanvaas.
                                Phir kyoo le liya aapne
                               Tyaga hua Rajpaat??

                                Dhobi ke sandeho ko,
                                  Kar dete tum shaant
                                 Bharat ko raaj de dete
                                 Sita ko mahlon ka waas.
                                        *******

                               Abla nahi thi,swabhimani thi
                                 Priyatam ki aabhaari thi
                               Dharti mein jaa kar samaa gayee
                                  Agni ne apni sheetalta ka
                                   diya use abhaas .
                                         *****
                                   Preyasi ,Patni ,maa
                              Purush ko deti jeevandaan.
            Vam ang aa jaati hai jab,purush poorna kahlata hai tab
                              Kya Yagya poorn kar lete ??
                                 Bin Siya moorat ke Ram?

                                           *******
                             Adhoori nahi hai, Poorna hai woh.
                               Anndata ki annpoorna hai woh.
                                Kahlati hai Vama
                              Vam ang ko gunjit karke
                            Ban jati hridya ka spandan
                  Chahe Vo Ravan ho ya hon Vo Raghundan.!! 

."
RAM'S VERSION

                            Poochha thaa Ram sey!
                           Kyou kiya agnipariksha de
                           Ardhangni ka tiraskar???

                            Ashru poorit naino se,
                           RajeevLochan ne kiya bakhaan
                          Us peeda ka jo bedh gayee thhi
                            Hridaya unka chhed gayee thhi.

                            Kaise din unke beete thhe!!
                             Rajdharm ko jeete jeete.
                             Poochhte Vidhata se woh,
                               "kyou diya mujhe ?
                       'Maryada Purshottam ka maan'"

                            Kya beetee thhi unpar jab
                               Lakhan sang kiya
                            Siyaa ne thha Vanprasthhan
.
                           Har raat kush ki shaiyya par
                              Nidra unko chhalti thi
                           Har subah swarn jadit thali ke
                            Bhojan ka woh karte tyag

                               "aaaaah !! vidhata kyoo
                                      diya mujhe
                           Maryada Purshottam ka maan?"

                          " Merey mann ke cheetkar ko
                             Kabhi samajh na paya koi!
                             Raja thaa main,putra thha
                                Patni viyog ki peeda ko
                        Sahna hi thha, mera durbhagya"

                     "Sone ki moorat ko maine kiya thha angikar'
                 Sinhasan par vama merey, wahi moorat hoti thi
              Merey Raaniwaas mein baithhi wo-hi muskati thhi
                  Dwi patni ke liye na merey mann ne khole
                             Kabhi bhi dwar."


                       Prarabdha mera kahta thaa
                          Kalyug mei jaakar
                Karna hai Tumko purush maryada ka prachaar
                      Isiliye dia hai VISHNU nei tumko
                        RAM CHANDRA ka yah avtar.

                                 Suno priyjan
                          Yahi hai merey vyakul mann ki
                                Karun pukaar."
                       _____   -------------

smile a while

               Some moments  which make us smile  
                       and fill our lives with spice.
                      They drive away the blues
                 and  fill our lives with colourful hues

         
             Humour  in the neighbourhood and at home
When Nagpur  got its first outlet for pizzas--- SMOKIN'  JOE'S.

 People who were under heavy mental pressure with Ramdos's   ban on smoking ---rushed to this place thinking it to be  SMOKING ZONE
                                 **********
Every  morning  MSEB switches off its supply to Nagpurians sharp at 6.30 am.

With electricity gone a stillness take's  over and we get to hear sounds which  normally get drowned in the din of  fans, mixers,washing machines etc

--and sometime back ' WE'  used to get to here a  moaning ,wailing,weeping sound every morning as if of a woman in great agony - it was creepy and  sad --and I had pictures of some woman in captivity which none of the neighbours knew about--

This villain  whoever he is must  be  brought  to  book I  rushed to my  book case took out a volume of ENID BLYTON'S ---Five find outer's---and looked for FATTY who I knew would definitely help me solve--"The mystery of the  wailing woman""
 and solve I did ------it was  my neighbour snoring ------HAHAHA as he slept soundly we lay perturbed -------but now no longer
 .  never knew snores went like this oooooooonnnnnnnn---phissss----oooooonnnnnnnnn ---phissss

                              ***********

A friend  a frequent  visitor loves her tea sweet ------6 1/2 teaspoons in one cup
                                   *********


and this one takes the cake

Many years ago  when we were staying in company's flats we used to be  allotted better houses with every  promotion--- ----It so happened that the next occupants to our previous flat were from the same department as my husband ,and coincidentally had the same name ; same  initials------ strange but true.

Some long lost friends of our's suddenly decided to pay us a visit --and they were not aware that we had shifted house.

kindly visualize--This scene from a blockbuster both HOLLY and BOLLYwood's
Mrs X the visitor knocks at the door---she even has a big smile in anticipation of giving us a surprise!!

Mrs Y opens the door--- "yes"!!
Mrs X ---."Mrs Y hain?"Mrs Y---haan boliye.

Mrs X----Mrs Y ?.??
Mrs Y ---haan I am Mrs Y.

You can imagine the look of horror on Mrs X's face she was so disturbed---shaken ;aghast ---she later told us that she had thought that I had left for my heavenly abode  and my man had remarried!!!!

Thanks to the man of that house who came to the door, worried what was keeping his wife so long  .
He at once understood  what the matter was  and told Mrs X that we had shifted house and even gave her our new address.

Mrs X  scrambled down the stairs got into the car and narrated the whole incident to her husband.

AND THE LAUGHTER THAT FOLLOWED WHEN THEY JOINED US ..!!!!?????

                                                   *****


Oh yes there's one more--here's a conversation between   my niece and her 8 year old son
"Mom please send me late to school for 4 days in a row.'

"WHY?'

"Because they send us back from school after the 5th day and then ban us from  attending  school for a week "

HAHA intelligent  isn't he ?

                              *****************

These were some instances which made us laugh then and make us smile now.

AND  THANK GOD FOR THEM !!








and here are some more




1. this poor  kid  was so confused with his elders behavior that he did not know how to behave in public ---and what kind of reaction he would get from his parents ---so  once when he  and his family were visiting some friends  and he was  offered sweets  , he refused but  his
parents  said ---"le lo beta(take son)"
 he snapped back ---"abhi toh bol rahe ho le lo ghar jaake dantogey (you are asking me to take now  but will  scold me when we reach home)---poor guy and poor parents 





While on diwali shoping my friend wanted to buy clothes for both her sons'but whichever suit she chose for her elder son was immediately rejected by the younger worried the mom asked him why are you rejecting they are not for you to which he replied ---but ultimately its me who is going to have to wear them(by the way friends let me confess this is a cut and paste may be from real life but not from any one that I know of )



and here is the best most innovative idea of all and its true !!!

this  kid whenever he visited a shop  used to be refused anything he wanted to buy,  poor child  was so  frustrated and fed up of begging his parents who nearly  always refused, that  he decided on the following  tactic and it worked

he threatened his parents that if they did not buy what he demanded he would take off his pants in public ---and that did the trick ---hahahahah